


In the Cracks of Light, I Dreamed of You

by SequinSmile



Series: Our Little Universe [5]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Fixing Canon, Fluff, Found Family, Light Angst, Romance, They love each other, some case stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28698735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SequinSmile/pseuds/SequinSmile
Summary: AU from the end of Season 7.Non-sequential prequel to my story "We've Come So Far My Dear, Look How We Have Grown."
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Emily Prentiss
Series: Our Little Universe [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087001
Comments: 32
Kudos: 55





	1. The Start of Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set the day after JJ's wedding, so mid-late May 2012

She isn’t sure why she is so anxious. It’s just coffee with Hotch - her boss. Her friend. Although coffee had already turned into breakfast via a text exchange they’d had after she had left the wedding the night before. Emily had felt so unsettled lately she was finding it hard to not be anxious about anything. Ian Doyle was dead, but he lived in the ruins of her old life, taunting her from beyond the grave.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe. Like she was just waiting for everything to get torn away from her again. Although, Emily thought to herself, what did she have left. Her team, the people she considered her family, had struggled to accept her back into the fold when she returned from Paris. Even now, she could sometimes see it in their eyes when they looked at her. Not quite mistrust, but they didn’t fully trust her either. 

Turns out that coming back from the dead after your team find out you used to be a spy wasn’t the easiest thing to recover from. 

Her relationship with her parents was devastated by what had happened. By the time she found out that it was only JJ and Hotch who knew she was alive she had already been in Paris for two months. She’d naively assumed that her parents would have high enough clearance to know, but they hadn’t. It broke her to know they thought she was dead but she couldn’t risk reaching out. If Doyle had somehow found out she would put everyone at risk again and she couldn’t bear that. Not when she had already sacrificed so much to protect them all. 

When she had shown up on their doorstep when she got back, grateful that their schedules meant they were actually in town, she had been prepared for shock and confusion. Even anger. Emily explained everything and their already tenuous relationship fractured a little further. The way her mother had looked at her still haunted her this day, with pure disgust in her eyes. She’d chastised her, essentially called her a whore for the time she had spent with Doyle. Her father had just stood there. 

Before Sean Mcallister had called her and turned her life upside down she’d been good. She had friends, the job she always wanted and occasionally saw her parents. She had felt like she was moving towards something more with Hotch.

Hotch.

The only person who seemed to see how much she was struggling. The rest of the team were profilers, and they weren’t stupid, but everyone was so keen for things to be normal they didn’t address it. Hotch did, and she was so grateful for it. 

“Emily?” His voice broke her out of her train of thought. She looked up from where she had been staring at the table in front of her to where he was stood next to the booth she had secured for them. 

“Hi.” She replied, smiling at him in a way she hoped was convincing, although she knew he would see through her.

“Are you ok?” He asked sitting opposite her in the booth. She’d purposely chosen a quiet part of the diner, hoping they’d be able to have some privacy. She had considered inviting him round to hers, but then he’d see that she still had some of her stuff boxed even though she had been for months. She also figured this was a conversation that would be best placed on mutual territory. 

“Yeah,” She nodded, wearing that same smile on her face. He raised his eyebrow at her and she frowned. “No. I’m not. I guess that’s why we are here.” She said honestly. 

Before they could speak the waitress came over and took their orders of coffee. Emily wasn’t going to order any food until Hotch looked at her with concern in his eyes, so she ordered the pancakes to placate him. He ordered the same. They sat in silence for a moment after the waitress walked away and Emily found it unbearable. 

“I think I’m going to take Clyde up on his offer of running the London office.” She said evenly.  
“I know.” He responded, matching her tone, resisting the urge to smile when she made the same little outraged noise she had made the night before when he’d told her about her tell.

“How?” She asked indignantly.

“Morgan told me.” 

“Of course he did,” She said rolling her eyes, “He’s second only to Garcia for gossip.” She narrowed her eyes briefly at Hotch, wondering what his intentions were if he already knew. “Why are you here?”

“To ask you to stay.”

“Hotch. You know I can’t do that.” She responded sadly. She wanted to stay, more than she would admit to herself and definitely more than she would admit to him. 

“You could.” Hotch was frustrating her slightly with his short, sharp answers. Sounding so sure in every statement he was making. 

“I’m struggling and you’ve seen it. This would be a fresh start for me. What would I be staying for? My parents who can’t even look at me? My team who still look at me sometimes like they don’t know who I am?” She stopped abruptly as their food and coffee was brought over, not wanting the woman serving them to hear what she was talking about. 

“Jack would miss you.” Hotch offered when they were alone again, taking a bite from his food. 

“Just Jack?” She tested, staring directly at him. She hadn’t touched her own plate yet, not knowing if she could stomach it. 

“I think missing you is something us Hotchner men have in common.”

“Hotch-”

“Aaron.” He corrected, smiling slightly when she looked confused. “I think given the nature of our conversation you should call me Aaron.”

“Aaron. Is that what this means? You want me to stay for you?” She stared down at the coffee cup clutched between her hands. She’d walked into this diner so sure that London was the right choice for her, but he’d undone all of that so quickly.

She had wanted him for longer than she would admit, in both the carnal and the romantic sense. She had never doubted that he would put as much passion and drive into his relationships that he did into his work. Emily had spent her gruelling recovery in Paris, thousands of miles away from everyone she had all but died to protect thinking of him. Of what they could have been. And now he was seemingly offering it to her. 

“I think we both know what there could be between us. What there has been between us for years, maybe even since Foyet came into our lives.” He said it so casually, like it was the simplest thing in the world. “When you were gone, I missed you. More than I think I should have. Couldn’t bear to be here knowing you were somewhere in Paris living under a fake name.” 

“Why now then? I’ve been back a long time. Why just as I’m thinking of leaving?” Emily questioned. She couldn’t throw a job like Clyde had offered away on a hope, or a fleeting idea he had because Hotch wanted what he couldn’t have. 

“I told myself when you came back that having you as a friend was enough for me, and just being able to see you everyday at work would mean you were close enough. The idea of losing you again is too much. You’ve become an essential part of my life Emily.”

“I’m broken, Aaron. I’m not whole anymore and I don’t know if I ever will be. I won’t be good for you. Or your son.” She didn’t want to hurt him. Either of them. The Hotchner boys had taken up so much room in her fractured heart, and she couldn’t live with herself if she hurt them. They had both been through so much.

“Jack loves you, Emily.” He replied simply, the certainty in his voice making her eyes snap to his. “I think he actually prefers to you me.” He quipped, which she scoffed at. “And I’m broken too. Maybe we can help put each other back together into something new.” 

She closed her eyes at that and smiled, breathing out a laugh through her nose. She opened her eyes again to look at him.

“That is without a doubt the corniest thing anyone has ever said to me.” She said softly. 

“I meant it.”

“What about Beth?” She asked. He had a girlfriend, and she was a lovely woman. When she had first found out about her Emily had been hurt even though she knew she had no right to. She questioned whether everything she had ever felt between them had been in her head. 

“I’m seeing her later, she’s very nice but she’s not the one for me.” He said as he finished his plate, she hadn’t started hers yet. 

“And I am?” She asked incredulously

“You could be. If you stay.”

“And if I don’t? Would you stay with her?”  
“No, I’m not going to string her along. No matter what happens here I’m going to end things with her today.”

“Aaron, what you’re asking is-”

“What I’m saying is we could be a family, Emily. You, me and Jack. I think after everything we have all been through the least we deserve is to be happy.” 

“What if it all goes wrong?” She asked, her voice small and wobbly. He looked at the moisture gathering in her eyes and grabbed her hand across the table - the first physical contact since he had sat down. “Your friendship is important to me.”

“You will always have that, Emily. No matter what.” He squeezed her hand, making a promise they both knew he couldn’t guarantee. “I’m saying all of this because I don’t want to wake up in 5 or 10 years time and wonder why I never took a chance with you.” 

“It’s a big risk. We’ve both taken so many over the years.” She replied, the argument gone from her voice. She wiped away a stray tear from her face with the hand that wasn’t grasped in his. 

“Then what is one more?” He asked firmly, lacing his fingers through hers. She looked intently at him. She could read him like a book after knowing him for so long, as she knew he could read her. 

“Ok.” She nodded, gripping his hand back. “I’ll stay.”

“Good.” He brought their joint hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand, a promise for what was to come. “Now eat your pancakes.”

___________________

As they left the diner and stood outside together he pulled her into a hug and she reciprocated, her choice of flat shoes that morning leaving them with their true height difference so he could rest his chin on top of her head. They pulled away slightly and looked at each other. They wouldn’t kiss yet, not whilst he still had to speak to Beth, but she could feel what he felt for for her just through the way he looked at her.

“I don’t want you to think I don’t want you too, Aaron.” She whispered as she ran her fingers gently down his cheek. “I’ve wanted this for so long it scares me. I never thought we’d get here.”

“We made it though.”

“And all it took was both of us getting stabbed, me faking my death and then me nearly accepting a job offer in a foreign country.” She joked, laughing when he rolled his eyes at her. He pulled her back into a hug, which she gladly accepted and she realised for the fist time how safe she felt in his arms. Like nothing, not even Doyle’s ghost, could get to her. 

“I should go.” He said into the top of her head, pressing a kiss into her hair. “I’ll call you later.” The fact he meant he’d call her after he had spoken to Beth remained unspoken. 

They pulled apart and said their goodbyes. Emily could still feel the ghost of his hands on her back, and she stood outside the diner where her life had just changed and watched him walk towards his car.

___________________

He doesn’t call later, he comes by instead. She opens the door to him and he kisses her. 

For the first time in a long time Emily felt like things might work out exactly as she wanted them to.


	2. Two Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Just a quick little fluff filled, slightly silly, chapter today, work has been kicking my butt this week.
> 
> This is set late March 2013

When she thought about it later, Emily wasn’t exactly sure what made her say it. They had been out of town for longer than they had hoped, the UNSUB and the case particularly gruelling, and she had watched him told the team together for a whole week as they attempted to pin down the man they were after.

Hotch had been doing what he always did, silently but stoically holding the team up as they hit a few dead ends, and being a strength among them all when another child's body was found on their last full day in Washington state. She watched as he handed JJ a coffee when she came back from the scene and told her to call her children so she could escape the brutality of it all for a moment. She sat next to him on the jet when he had comforted Reid by telling him he couldn’t have done more. 

It was a long flight home and despite the fact their team and the wider FBI in general knew about their relationship they largely kept a professional distance at work, but he placed his left hand on her thigh and left it there whilst he completed paperwork. 

When they got home and picked up Jack from Jessica’s house she watched as he played with his son whilst she cooked them dinner. The love she felt for both of them very often felt overwhelming and she couldn’t believe how much her life had changed since this time last year. She’d been bereft, and had felt as if she was never going to feel settled ever again. 

After Jack went to bed they sat at the dining room table together with some paperwork and a small glass of wine each, but couldn’t focus on the work. All she could think about was him and their life together. She lived with him and his son. They had just finalised the purchase of a house together the week before, signifying a new beginning for them all. She loved him so much she felt like it could burst out of her. 

So it did. In the form of two words.

“Marry me.”

His head snapped up to hers and they stared at each other. She couldn’t read his face. It was the first time in a long time that she couldn’t tell what he was thinking and she didn’t like it. He stared at her for a few more moments, before standing up and walking away from the dining table towards their bedroom.

“Aaron.” She called after him, standing to follow him, but before she could move away from the table herself he returned to the main living area of the apartment and sat back down in his seat. He placed a small black velvet jewellery box on the table in front of him and slid it over towards her. She slowly sat back down and picked the box up, she flicked her eyes to her boyfriend before looking at the box in her hand as she opened it.

The ring was beautiful. It was a good sized princess cut diamond, with smaller diamonds set into what she assumed must be a white gold band. The hand not holding the ring box came up to cover her mouth. She looked up at Hotch, who was now smiling at her, and a laugh escaped her.

“When were you going to ask?” She said gently, her fondness for the sweet man sat opposite her shining through in her voice.

“This weekend. Jack and I have a whole thing planned.” He responded with mirth in his voice, “It includes our favourite spot at the Tidal Basin with all the cherry blossoms and-”

“Don’t tell me. You should still do it.” She interrupted, still smiling at him.

“Emily.”

“Please, Aaron.” She got up from where she was sat and moved round the table, open ring box still in hand, and motioned for him to move his chair back a bit. Once he did she sat on his lap, throwing her legs sideways over his so her side was pressed into his chest. He put his arms around her and pulled her closer. “Let’s just pretend I didn’t open my big mouth and you and Jack can do whatever it is you planned.” 

“Yeah,” he laughed, pressing a kiss to her cheek, “Just like you pretended I hadn’t already asked you to move in on Christmas Day when Jack asked you.” 

He asked her to move in on Christmas Eve, momentarily overwhelmed by how much he loved her, forgetting for a moment that he and Jack had planned for the young boy to ask Emily himself once they were done with presents. They went ahead as planned but Jack had seen right through them. 

“I maintain that I think my acting was brilliant, but you had a guilty look all over your face.” She chuckled, remembering the look of indignation on Jack’s face when he realised Emily had already agreed to move in that made him look so much like his father. She brought a hand to Hotch’s cheek and gently tipped his face so she could look directly into his eyes. “I’m sorry I ruined the surprise,” She said softly, biting her lip “I was just thinking about us and our life, and I realised I just really wanted to be your wife. Then it just came out.” 

“You don’t have to apologise, Emily.” He leant forward slightly and kissed her, “you just surprised me. Which I should be used to by now, because you always surprise me.” He quipped, enjoying the wide smile she gave him in return for his comment. 

“Ask me as planned, I think you know what the answer is going to be.” She gently traced her finger up and down his cheek where his dimple was.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She leant forward and kissed him again, moving her hand to the back of his head so she could grab the short hairs there. 

When they pulled away he was still smiling at her, “You’re going to have to give the ring back.” He said, pulling the hand of hers that still held the ring box to her chest. He suppressed a laugh when he saw a small pout form on her lips. “You’ll get it back on Saturday, Em. Then you’ll have it forever.”

She smiled, biting her bottom lip as she looked at him. “I will won’t I.” She snapped the box closed and handed it to him. “Why don’t we take this celebration to the bedroom?” She whispered to him, moving off of his lap to stand an offering him her hand.

“Technically we aren’t celebrating anything yet.” He responded, a smirk on his face as he raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Do you really want to use a technicality with me when I’m offering you a night of mind blowing sex?” She challenged, a playful look on her face. 

“Of course not.” He corrected, grabbing her hand and standing. He pushed the ring box into the pocket of his pants and let his soon to be fiancé lead him to their bedroom.  
_________________________

Three days later Hotch and Jack ask her as planned and it’s everything she could have ever wanted and more. She cries, which in any other circumstance would have embarrassed her because they had attracted a small crowd of onlookers who all applauded when she said yes, but in the moment she didn’t care. 

Before Hotch can get up from where he he was on his knee she knelt down in front of him and kissed him firmly, before wrapping her arms around him. She said yes again, just for him this time, and told him how much she loved him. When she pulled away he put the ring on her finger and they kissed again, before Jack finally lost his patience just being stood at the side and he wrapped his arms around both of them. 

“Do you like the ring, Emily?” Jack asked her, looking as excited as she thought she had ever seen him.

“It’s lovely, Jack.” She responded, pressing a kiss into his cheek. 

Jack briefly narrowed his eyes at her, before looking back and forth between her and Hotch a couple of times. 

“You already asked her didn’t you?” He asked his father accusingly, attempting to look as intimidating as an 8 year old could. He took the look of shock and amusement on the adults faces as confirmation. “You guys suck.” He said in a way that was just so Emily it made both of them laugh. 

Clearly living with two profilers was rubbing off on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Until Next time,
> 
> SequinSmile x


	3. Coffee Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some silliness. Fluff as per, because apparently I cannot help myself. 
> 
> This chapter is set in late July 2012 - so around 2 months after JJ's wedding. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The reveal of their relationship to their team didn’t come from a near death experience for one of them and a declaration of love from the other, but a very simple moment born out of too long a case, and not enough sleep. Since they had started seeing each other the cases they had consulted on had been relatively short, and on one case he had even snuck into her room one evening. However, on this case her room was right next to JJ’s, and opposite Rossi’s, so they had made the decision that it wasn’t worth the risk.

Emily was exhausted. They had been in Wichita for 7 days already and it felt like they were no closer to finding the UNSUB. The days were long and the bed in her hotel room was uncomfortable. It also lacked a certain Unit Chief who she had become very used to sleeping next to, and she tried not to think about the fact she already struggled to sleep without him after only 8 weeks. 

It was early in the morning, too early to be eating the cookies that an officers wife had made them but that wasn’t stopping Emily, and they were back in the precinct deciding the next steps. 

They were all around the case board, Hotch and Emily stood next to each other as they took in all the details in front of them. Emily was hyper aware of his proximity, and her lack of sleep was making her normal hyper diligence in keeping their work and private lives separate blur. Her eyes flicked to the coffee cup in his hand, and she briefly thought about how much she needed caffeine herself. 

For a moment Emily completely forgot where they were, and she took Hotch’s coffee cup from his hand, took a sip, and passed it back to him as if they were in his kitchen getting ready in the morning and not stood in a conference room in a police station.

She continued on with her point about the UNSUB, and how his pattern of victimology didn’t fully make sense, gesticulating with the cookie in her right hand, before she realised no one else was speaking. She turned to see the team all staring at her with confusion all over their faces, and Hotch looking down at the coffee cup in his hands. She suddenly realised what she had done and her eyes widened.

It was such a small gesture, innocent really, but overwhelmingly domestic. She knew immediately all the profilers in the room with her knew what it meant. “Oh crap.” 

Before anything else could be said the sheriff walked in and let them know another body had been found. Hotch immediately jumped into action, assigning Emily and Reid to go to the site, and Morgan and Rossi to go to interview the family of the victim, leaving both himself and JJ on victimology. No one moved once he’d finished, and they all continued to stare at him and Emily.

“If you think we are moving past whatever that was with the coffee without talking about it you’re both crazy.” Morgan exclaimed, raised his eyebrows at the pair, shifting his eyes back and forth between them. Hotch was glaring right at him, Emily was avoiding his and everyone else’s gaze.

Hotch took a second to weigh up the options, knowing his team would want details. “Prentiss and I are in a relationship. We will discuss the rest later but for now I need you all to focus on the case.” 

That spurred them into action, although Morgan’s gaze stayed on the pair longer than the rest, and they filed out of the room. Emily hung back for a moment, turning to Hotch.

“Hotch,” She started, avoiding using his given name since they were on a case and she was hyper aware of JJ watching them with a small smirk on her face. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed it, hoping she would understand everything he wanted to say but currently couldn’t. She nodded in response before letting go of his hand and looking at JJ, who had her eyebrow raised at her, and then she left the room.

When she got to the car Reid was leaning against waiting for her she took a deep breath, glad that Hotch had the foresight to not pair her with Morgan for the day since she didn’t have the energy to deal with whatever his reaction to this was going to be. She settled into the drivers seat of the car, and waited as Reid got into the passengers seat. 

“Want to talk about it?” He asked as he clipped his seat belt into place, a teasing tone to his voice. 

“Not at all.” Emily responded dryly, as she pulled the car away from the precinct. Her phone rang, and she answered it. “Prentiss.”

“You’re sleeping with the boss man?” Garcia’s shocked voice filled the car, causing Reid to let out a laugh at the same time Emily groaned.

It was going to be a long day.

_______________________________________

Things had escalated quite quickly after the last body was found and the team were able to head back home that same evening. Emily felt a sense of foreboding as she entered the jet and took a window seat at the table. She knew the team were like her family, and that they would ultimately be happy for her and Hotch when they understood that this wasn’t some fling, but any change in their dynamic always brought some tension.   
All she wanted was to go back to her boyfriends and apartment and get a decent night sleep for the first time in a week. Unfortunately, she had a 5 hour flight before that was a possibility and, judging by the looks her teammates had been shooting her since they had left the precinct only an hour before, they weren’t going to let her and Hotch get away with the embargo on their relationship status for any longer. 

Emily smiled at Hotch as he took the seat next to her on the jet. JJ sat opposite her, with Rossi sliding in opposite Hotch, sending the younger man a knowing smirk. Reid and Morgan sat on the couch seat. They all sat in companionable, and slightly awkward, silence as the jet took off. 

Hotch could feel the tension radiating off of his girlfriend, even though outwardly she seemed fine. He placed his hand on her thigh under the table and squeezed it to provide some reassurance. She placed her hand over his and laced her fingers through this.

“Will someone please ask a question,” Emily huffed as everyone continued to sit in silence, “I’d quite like to get a nap in before we land and I’m not going to be able to do that with you all staring.” 

Reid piped up first, having gallantly left Emily alone about it all day despite his own curiosity and a barrage of texts from Garcia begging for information. “How long have you guys been seeing each other?”

“Two months.” Emily smiled. “The day after JJ’s wedding to be precise.” 

“This has been going on two months?” Morgan interjected.

“We wanted to find out footing before we broadcast it too much,” Hotch explained, “And given the fact Emily is my subordinate there were complications to figure out.”

JJ frowned a little at that, “So Strauss knows already?” 

“Her and some other more senior staff at the bureau.”

“And they’re ok with it?” Rossi asked.

“Ok is a strong term, they are accepting of it with certain conditions.” Hotch explained, his tone indicating that he wouldn’t explain any further. 

“As long as we don’t jeopardise a case they’ll let it go. For now at least.” Emily offered, seeing that Hotch’s explanation hadn’t been enough for them. 

Reid nodded at that for a moment, before confusion flooded his face. “What about Beth?” 

“After Emily and I discussed a few things after the wedding I ended things with Beth.”

JJ’s eyes widened in realisation and she looked at Emily, “That’s why you stayed. You were so close to going, and then all of a sudden you changed your mind.” She switched her focus to Hotch. “You got her to stay.” 

Emily nodded slightly, knowing Hotch wouldn’t have been too keen on the others knowing the details of their conversation over breakfast the morning after JJ’s wedding. They were both intensely private people, and she knew she wasn’t alone in wanting to fiercely guard their relationship. 

“Why keep it a secret?” Morgan spoke up, everyones attention shifting to him. “We all know what secrets do to this team.” He spoke directly to Emily then, his gaze unyielding. 

Emily sighed, “Derek. We just needed some time. This isn’t some big conspiracy. If I hadn’t been an idiot this morning we were always going to tell you once this case was over.” 

Morgan let out a small laugh laced with mirth, “Well I guess I’m just going to have to believe you on that one.” He stood up, “I’m going to get some sleep before we land.” He walked over to the other side of the plane and sat in one of the single chairs, putting his headphones on as he went. 

Emily let out a breath, and she felt Hotch squeeze her hand in his under the table. 

“He’ll be fine,” Rossi assured her, “You know what he’s like with change - he’ll come round.” Rossi stood himself to go stretch out in one of the single seats to get some sleep, before he did so he stepped forward and slapped his hand on Hotch’s shoulder. “Glad you finally got your head out your ass and asked her out, you’re only about 18 months after when I had in the office betting pool.” 

“The office _what_?” The couple asked in unison, the only response being the laugher of their colleagues. 

________________________

About an hour into the flight the team had spread out, and they were asleep except for Emily and Hotch who were still sat next to each other. Despite her tiredness she was struggling to relax and sat picking at her finger nails instead. 

Hotch was sat next to her doing paperwork and spotted her doing it out of the corner of his eye. He put down his pen and reached over with one hand to grab hers. “Stop doing that, you’ll hurt yourself.” He brought her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to her fingers. “What’s wrong?”

“I feel like that could have gone better.”

“They are happy for us, Em.” He said softly, not wanting to wake up any of their team who were sleeping around them.

“But Derek-”

“Will get over it. You know he generally reacts to these things like this first and thinks later.” Hotch thought of Morgan’s initial reaction to the Doyle situation, and wondered if Emily ever knew of the things he had said about her. He hoped not, because he knew how hurt she would be. 

“I guess,” She huffed, resting her head against his shoulder, “I am so sorry about this morning, Aaron. I was so tired and kept thinking about coffee and yours was right there. I think my brain short wired and made me think we were at yours or something.” 

He laughed and pressed a kiss into the top of her head, “You have nothing to apologise for Emily. Although next time I will bring you your own coffee to be safe.”

“Ass.” She said, as she jokingly hit his arm before wrapping her hand around his tricep. She yawned and leant further into him, “I cannot wait until we get back to yours, that hotel bed sucked.” 

Hotch smiled, happiness settling into his chest at the idea that she so casually invited herself to his for what would be left of the night when they got back to Quantico, not that he would want her anywhere else. “I didn’t sleep too great either.” 

They didn’t say what they both knew, that they had struggled to sleep without the other there. She yawned again and he pressed another kiss into her hair.

“Try and get some sleep, Em. I’ll wake you up before we land.” 

Her response was a murmur into his shoulder, indicating that she was already half way to sleep anyway. 

He turned back to his paperwork keen to get it finished so he could focus all his time on his girlfriend as soon as they got back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that :) 
> 
> Morgan's response to this will be explored some more in a later chapter, as will Garcia's reaction. I've got a chapter partially written of a drunken ladies night with JJ, Emily and Garcia...poor Hotch is all I'll say. 
> 
> This story is not sequential, unlike "We've Come so Far my Dear, Look How we Have Grown" which is, so the next chapter will be a version of Route 66 set in this universe. Just think of this story as little bits of their lives that provide context to the main story!
> 
> "We've Come so Far my Dear, Look How we Have Grown" will be updated sometime next week :) 
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Until next time,
> 
> SequinSmile x


	4. Route 66

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Thanks for all the love on the last chapter, the reviews and Kudos always make me smile!
> 
> This chapter is an AU of the episode Route 66, and is this universes version of it. 
> 
> For context, this happens in early October 2013, and Emily is pregnant with the baby we now know is Wren from the main fic from this universe "We've Come So Far My Dear, Look How We Have Grown"

Emily was concerned to say the least. Her husband had been acting a bit strangely the last couple of days, but had brushed off her questions about it every time. She could accept it, right up until the moment she found him asleep on the couch in his office. 

She knelt on the floor next to him and gently shook his shoulder. “Aaron, wake up.” 

He woke suddenly and sat up, seemingly confused about his whereabouts. He turned to look at his wife kneeling on the floor, “Emily what are you doing? You shouldn’t be on the floor.” He stood, she didn’t miss the slight wobble in his step, and helped her up.

“I’m pregnant, Aaron, not sick.” She grumbled “And keep your voice down - the door is open and the team are out there.”

No one knew about the baby yet, and Emily wanted to keep it that way until the following week when they were planning on letting them all know. 

“Are you ok?” She asked, “It’s not like you to fall asleep in here.”

“I’m fine, Emily.” His response was short, and the tone of his voice was that of his work persona, not the way he generally spoke to her when they were alone. 

His phone chimed and he pulled it out of his pocket, sighing as he read the message on the screen and passed it to her. 

An amber alert was all they needed. 

“I’ll call Jessica and ask her to pick up Jack from school.” Emily said as she handed the phone back to him, knowing that they were going to have a long afternoon and that this would drag into the evening at least. 

“Thanks.” He took a step away from her and seemed to pause to catch his breath, almost as if he was light headed. 

“Are you sure you’re ok?” 

“Emily, I am fine.” He was sterner than he meant to be, and knew from the look on her face that she wasn’t impressed with his tone.

“Fine. I’ll meet you in the briefing room.” She turned and left his office, her own phone already out of her pocket to call Jessica.

Hotch sighed to himself, it was going to be a long day. 

__________________________

Emily swore that it all happened in slow motion. Hotch was walking around the briefing room, filling them in on the details of the case. She was very in tune with him, and had been for years before they were ever in a relationship, and she could tell something wasn’t right. The look Rossi shot her over the table lead her to believe he was seeing the same thing. 

She watched as Hotch stopped his pacing, and turned to look at them all. “Excuse me for a minute.”

And then he was on the floor. 

She was out of her seat and next to him before she could register what had happened. She was aware of the team stood around her but all of her focus was on him. “Aaron.” She grabbed his face in-between her hands and tried to wake him up. “Aaron please.” 

“I’m calling an ambulance.” JJ said from behind her, placing her hand on Emily’s shoulder and squeezing in an attempt to comfort her. All Emily could do in response was nod as she continue to attempt to rouse her husband. 

By the time the paramedics arrived she was sat with his head in her lap, gently stroking his hair and all but willing him to wake up. He would make a non sensical noise every now and again, as if he wasn’t fully unconscious, but he hadn’t been lucid since he hit the floor.

“Emily, you need to let them help him.” She felt Morgan pulling her up off of the floor as the paramedics approached and she couldn’t have resisted him if she wanted to. He kept his grasp on her as they stood there, watching them work on Hotch. 

“I’m his wife.” She offered when the paramedic said someone could go with them. They nodded and started to move the gurney Hotch was on out of the room. She turned back to the team. “He’d want you to continue with the case,” Her voice was strained but sure, “So you still need to go. That girls life depends on it.” They all nodded their agreement. “I’ll keep you up to date.” 

She left the room and ran slightly to catch up with the paramedics, leaving her team in shock. 

“You heard the lady,” Morgan said firmly after a few seconds had passed, taking charge in the absence of their leader. “Wheels up in 20.”

_________________________

She sat in the waiting room of the hospital, leg bouncing nervously, as she blew out a long breath. She kept trying to ground herself. She pressed her hand into her abdomen, her small baby bump concealed by her slightly baggy shirt and the blazer she’d put on what felt like days ago, not just when she got dressed that morning. 

“Emily?” Rossi’s voice broke through her revere and she looked up to see him stood in front of her, she moved her hand from her stomach as if it had been burned and hoped Rossi hadn’t noticed. 

“Dave?” She stood up and hugged him, glad to see someone she knew. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you with the others on the case?”

“We decided it was best you had some company.” He explained as they pulled back from the hug. He guided her back into the chair she had been sat in and took the seat next to her. “Have they told you anything?”

Emily scrubbed her hand over her face and sighed, “Yeah, it’s internal bleeding caused by all his scar tissue.”

“Scar tissue?”

She made eye contact with him. “From Foyet.” A look of understanding washed over Rossi’s face and he looked sad. 

Emily knew how much Hotch hated anything he would deem as pity over the situation with Foyet. When they first got together he had been so kind to her about her own scars, but so damning of his own. It took her some time to convince him that they weren’t anything to be ashamed of. Their physical reminders of their pasts was another thing that made them fit so well together and understand each other in a way that no one else could. 

“So they are operating?”

She nodded in response. “They said they need to stop it. And that it’s likely he’s been bleeding for a while. I knew there was something wrong but he just blew me off.” Emily looked down at her nails and picked at the sore skin around them. “I should have pushed more.”

Rossi reached out to grab her hand, “You know as well as I do how stubborn he is. This isn’t on you.” 

“I don’t know what I’d do without him.” She whispered, her voice hitching as she desperately tried not to break down. “I don’t think I’d be able-” She stopped, unsure what to say. 

“Emily, he will get through this. And if he doesn’t-” Rossi paused when her breath hitched in her throat at that and he squeezed her hand tighter prompting her to look up at him from her lap. He smiled sadly at the tears pooling in her eyes. “If he doesn’t you would get through it. It would be hard but you would do it. For Jack if not yourself.”

She let out a wry laugh at that, the hand not clenched in his wiping away tears roughly from her face. “Jack isn’t even legally my son yet. The adoption hearing isn’t for another 5 weeks. I don’t know what would happen to him, but I know Haley’s parents wouldn’t go down without a fight. I couldn’t lose them both.” 

Before he could say anything further his phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket to see it was JJ. “They’ll be wanting an update. I’ll go fill them in and then come right back, ok?” 

“Ok.” She confirmed, wiping some more tears from her face. Emily watched him walk away and took a deep breath. She would usually be able to manage her emotions better than this, even with her husband in the hospital, but her pregnancy hormones were making it so much harder to compartmentalise. 

She felt a fluttering in her stomach that she knew was her baby moving, probably in response to the stress Emily was currently feeling. She had felt it for the first time only a couple days before and she hadn’t been sure what it was at first. 

“It’s ok, baby.” She said gently, looking up to see if Rossi was on his way back yet and when she couldn’t see him she placed her hand on her stomach again. “Daddy will be ok.” 

Emily wasn’t sure she believed her words herself. 

_______________________________

After Rossi returned from updating the team they sat in silence for a while. Emily felt more gentle movements in her belly and it suddenly struck her that the only other person who knew about her pregnancy, apart from her doctor, was currently fighting for his life. The realisation made her feel incredibly alone, and the need to tell someone spilled out of her. 

“Dave, I’m going to tell you something and you have to keep it to yourself. For now at least.” She said evenly, proud that she had kept her voice steady. The look on his face asked her to carry on. “I’m pregnant.” 

He raised his eyebrows at that, clearly genuinely surprised, and for a moment Emily was pleased that she’d been able to cover it so well. There had been occasions over the last few months she thought it was overwhelmingly obvious.

“How far along?” 

“16 weeks.”

Rossi frowned at her, the crease in-between his eyebrows showing his confusion. “Why haven’t you told us?”

“We were going to after the 12 week mark, and then we got called away on that awful case that lasted over a week in Florida. The timing didn’t feel right then. And then a couple of weeks ago I had a scare and I thought I was losing the baby.” 

Her lips formed a grim line as she remembered the sudden pains she had felt, so similar to the ones she had when she had miscarried several months earlier. It taken her a long time to be convinced that the baby was ok, and that the pain she was feeling was a result of the scar tissue caused by Doyle’s stake stretching as her abdominal muscles split to accommodate the baby. 

“Everything is ok now though?” Rossi asked gently.

She genuinely smiled at that, her hand falling to her stomach as it so often did these days. “Everything is perfect.”

Rossi smiled and her and leant over the arm of the chair he was in to hug her. “I’m happy for you. You both deserve this.”

“Thank you,” She pulled back from the hug and smiled at her friend, the man she considered to be a father figure in her life. “We were planning on telling you all next week.”

Realisation dawned on his face. “The dinner party you guys insisted on having at yours instead of my place.”

“Yeah, Aaron wanted to be on home turf so we could use Jack as a buffer if needed.” The smile slid from her face as she thought of the reality she currently found herself in, and the prospect of raising her baby alone if her husband didn’t make it.

“You’ll still be able to tell us all next week, Em.” Rossi said reassuringly, “I’ll cook still even though you both insisted you host, and Aaron can complain heartily about being stuck on the couch in his own house whilst he recovers.” 

Before they could talk any further a nurses voice called out from down the call,“Family of Aaron Hotchner?”  
______________________

_Hotch wasn’t sure what was happening, but he was certain he was losing his mind. That was the only explanation as to why he was currently sat, in a tux no less, with his dead ex-wife outside of a movie theatre._

_It felt so real. He could smell the shampoo she always used, and he was sure if he reached out and touched her he’d feel the warmth of her skin._

_He needed to find Emily._

_“So Emily Prentiss, huh?” Haley asked, as if she had read his mind, a teasing smile on her face that reminded him so much of when they were young. “Honestly, I probably should have seen that one coming.”_

_He blushed, unsure how to respond “Yeah. I guess I should have seen it coming too. I am sorry Haley, I know it can’t be easy.”_

_“She makes you happy, she understands you better than I ever did” Haley smiled at him, no ill feeling clouding her face or the tone of her voice. “She loves you and our son. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”_

_He smiled, thinking of the love that Emily and Jack had for each other. “I think he likes her more than he likes me.”_

_Haley laughed at that. It was the laugh that he had fallen in love with as a lovesick teenager and it reminded him of how much had changed. He’d always have a place in his heart for Haley, but he loved Emily and the family they were building together with everything in him._

_“Emily’s pregnant.” He said, unsure why he had._

_“I’m happy for you, Aaron. Truly. I hope you don’t feel any guilt over it.” The smile on her face slipped slightly. “Does Jack remember me?”_

_He nodded in response, “He talks about you all the time. Asks questions too. I’ll never let him forget you Haley.”_

_“Thank you.” She replied, grabbing his hand. “You need to go back to them.”_

_Before he could ask what she meant she faded away in front of him, and his vision blurred into a bright light._

_________

When Hotch woke up the first thing he was aware of was his hand being held in between both of hers. Her thumb was stroking back and forth over his skin. He blinked his eyes open and as his eyes came back into focus took in the sight of his wife. She looked scared, and he wanted so badly to run his fingers over the frown lines of her face but he didn’t quite trust his body to move.

“Em.” He rasped out, immediately drawing her attention to him. In any other circumstance the speed that her head turned to him would have been comical.

“Aaron.” She sighed out, tension visibly leaving her body immediately. “I’m so happy to see you.” She stood and pressed the buzzer for the nurse behind him and pressed a kiss to his forehead as she did. “I love you so much.” 

“Love you too.” He blinked hard, finding it hard to focus. “What happened?” 

She lifted their joint hands to her lips and pressed a kiss to his fingers. “You collapsed at work, you had internal bleeding.” 

The doctor came into the room then, “Agent Hotcher, I’m so glad to see you awake. Your wife here was very worried about you.” 

For a few minutes the room was a hive of activity as the doctor filled him in on what had happened and a nurse checked the dressing on his surgical wounds. Emily stayed, but took a step back and watched from the corner of the room as Hotch explained he had felt off for a few days but had chalked it up to a lack of sleep lately due to work being particularly stressful. Once they were alone in the room again she took her place back in the chair next to his bed and grabbed his hand, needing the tangible connection so she could assure herself that he was ok. 

“Are you ok?” His voice was rough from the tube he had down his throat during surgery, and he sounded so unlike himself it made her heart hurt.

She laughed slightly, “You’re the one who had major surgery today and you’re asking how I am?” 

“I’m allowed to be concerned about my pregnant wife, Emily.” 

She nodded at that and squeezed his hand in between hers, “Yeah, you are. But let me be worried about you for now. Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t feel well?”

“I didn’t want to worry you, you know what the doctor said about your blood pressure.” 

Emily let out a laugh full of mirth at that. “Yes and watching you collapse in the briefing room wasn’t worrying at all.” She paused, attempting to gather herself. “You wouldn’t wake up, Aaron. Do you have any idea how terrifying that was?”

He could see she was getting upset. “Em, sweetheart-”

“We don’t keep things from each other, honey.” She interrupted, moving one of her hands from his to push his hair back from his forehead. “Don’t start keeping things from me now. Especially stuff like this.” 

He nodded his agreement and tugged on her hand slightly to bring her into a standing position next to him. 

“I love you so much.” She whispered as she pressed a kiss to his lips, his nose cannula tickling her slightly, and then leant her forehead against his, awkwardly leaning over him in his bed. “Please don’t ever do that to me again.” Her voice was tight, the strain she felt keeping her emotions in check obvious. She pulled back enough so she could look at him, he saw her chin wobble as she tried to keep herself from crying.

He knew he couldn’t promise that they wouldn’t end up here again, not with the jobs they had, but he wasn’t going to say that now. “I’ll do my best.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to have a small interaction with Haley in this story, because I did enjoy that part of the episode. And I feel like Hotch would almost need Haley's approval, even if he was happy with his life.
> 
> I am planning at some point writing the chapter where they all find out Emily is pregnant. 
> 
> The next chapter in this story will be a girls night between JJ, Garcia and Emily set shortly after they find out about Hotch and Emily being together. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! It means the world to me :) 
> 
> until next time,
> 
> SequinSmile x


	5. Loss and Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> As per, thanks for all the Kudos and comments. 
> 
> This isn't the chapter I planned on posting next, but its the one that came together best. 
> 
> Trigger warning: miscarriage, some talk of abortion.
> 
> For context - this is set January 2013

She had been acting off all day, and he couldn’t put his finger on what was causing it. As they entered the apartment he watched as she took off her coat and shoes, and dug around in her bag for something. 

“I need to talk to you.” She said firmly, walking towards the couch with her bag still in hand whilst she was trying to locate whatever she was looking for. 

He took off his own coat and followed her to the living room, and he then sat down next to her. It had only been a couple weeks since she agreed to move in with him and Jack. The conversation had grown from there, and instead of her moving into the apartment they had decided to find a house together. She was staying with them full time now, which she practically had been anyway, but was continuing to rent her place so she didn’t have to move her stuff twice. 

Hotch’s mind spiralled, wondering if she had changed her mind about living with him, right up until the moment she placed a box with ‘Pregnancy Test’ written on it onto the coffee table in front of them. She didn’t look at him as she placed her bag on the ground.

“I’m late.” She explained, “I realised this morning that I haven’t bought tampons in a while and it suddenly clicked.” She quickly glanced at him, trying to measure his reaction, but kept on talking as she moved her gaze back to the box on the table. “I haven’t taken it yet.” She explains unnecessarily since the box had clearly not been opened. “I wanted to talk to you first.”

Hotch placed his hand on her knee and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “Do you want to take it now?”

She shook her head. “It’s most accurate first thing in the morning.” She still didn’t look at him, eyes fixed on the pregnancy test on the coffee table in front of them. She blew out a breath as she gathered the courage to say what she wanted to say next. “There is something I want to tell you, but I don’t know how.”

He gently grabbed her chin and turned her head to make her look at him, struck by the look of fear in her eyes. “Sweetheart, you know you can tell me anything.” 

Emily turned her body to face him and pulled her legs up onto the couch, wrapping her arms around her knees and pulling them to her chest as if she was protecting herself. She leant into the back of the couch, and fixed her gaze on a loose thread in the cushion he was sat against. “I’m worried it will change how you look at me.” 

One of her hands reached out to touch the thread she was staring at, and he grabbed her hand, linking their fingers and pressing their palms together. 

“There is nothing you could say that ever would.” He sounded so sure it made her heart clench in her chest.

She tells him everything. How being the constant new girl had left her with few friends and that just like any 15 year old, simply wanted to fit in and that she had done anything to feel wanted. She explained the moment she realised she was pregnant and how John had let her down so badly, but Matthew had been there with her through it all right through until the end. 

Hotch sat next to her as she spilled her deepest secret to him and his heart broke for the woman he loved. He sighed sadly as he heard her start to cry, and he pulled her into his chest, her knees still in between them, and he rested his chin on the top of her head as he wrapped his arms around her. He felt Emily unwrap her arms from around herself and put them round his back, holding on to him like he was her lifeline.

“I’m so sorry you went through that, Sweetheart.” 

“You don’t hate me for it?” Her voice was small, smaller than he had ever heard it and he frowned.

“Why would I?” He pulled back so he could look at her and he pushed some hair back behind her ear. “Em, you were 15 years old. You exercised your right to chose. No one should judge you for that.” 

She let out a slight laugh, that sounded wet thanks to her tears. “You are a good man, Aaron Hotchner. Less people know about this than who knew about Doyle. It’s just John, Dave and you.” 

“Dave knows?”

“I told him when Matthew died, well more like he guessed.”

“Your mother never found out?”

Emily blanched at the idea of that. “God no. Who knows how she would have reacted if she knew her 15 year old daughter was pregnant. She probably would have sent me away somewhere. Even now I couldn’t tell her, she’s pro-life, adamantly so, and I don’t think she’d ever forgive me for it if she knew.” 

They sat in silence for a few minutes after that. Emily felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders now that he knew, and she felt some shame that she had ever doubted his reaction. He loved her, all of her, and she knew that. She felt it every day. Eventually she spoke again, knowing there was something else she had never said to him that she hadn’t been able to explain. 

“When I was in Paris I was told it was unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant.” She ran her fingers gently over his forehead, pushing some stray hair out of the way. “The stake didn’t damage my uterus, but they said all the scar tissue in my abdomen could make it challenging.” She smiled sadly at him, “I’d kind of just accepted it would never be a possibility.” 

“Until you missed your period.” He finished for her.

“Yeah.” She cupped his cheek in her hand and leant forward to gently kiss him. “We’ve never spoken about it. If the test is positive…” Her voice drifted off and she found herself unable to verbalise her thoughts. 

She knew if she was pregnant she would want to keep the baby, she wasn’t a teenager anymore and she loved Hotch. Having a baby with him, no matter how unplanned, is something she was quickly discovering she had wanted for a long time. Emily wasn’t sure how she would cope if he didn’t want to be part of it. 

“If the test is positive then we’re having a baby, Em.” He replied firmly, knowing where her mind was likely taking her. “It will be amazing.” 

She smiled widely at that, the first true smile she’d given him since before she had set the pregnancy test down in front of him when they got home. “Really?”  
“Really. Although, any child that is half you and half me will probably the the most stubborn person to ever walk the planet.” He joked, smiling when she laughed loudly. 

The door to the apartment opened, signalling Jack’s return from Jessica’s, and any further conversation was ended by an excitable 8 year old who wanted to tell them about his day. 

_________________________

Emily distinctly remembered the last time she had taken a pregnancy test. She’d taken it at her parents house in Italy, desperately hoping for the outcome she knew she wasn’t going to get. The moment the two lines had appeared had been the loneliest moment of her life. 

This time it was an entirely different experience. She wanted it to be positive, but wasn’t allowing herself to get her hopes up. She wasn’t alone in a foreign country having to bury the used test at the bottom of her trash can, but she was in the ensuite of the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend, who was very much hovering outside the room as she peed. 

“Can I come in yet?” He asked through the door, and she rolled her eyes as she stood up off of the toilet and pulled her pyjama pants back up. She clicked the lid onto the test and flushed the toilet, which Hotch took as the signal he could come in.

“You are so impatient.” She said in his direction as she placed the test on the counter in front of her. She picked her phone up and set the timer to 3 minutes before putting it down next to the test. She then turned her back to it and leant back onto the counter, blowing out a breath as she did so.

He stood next to her, back also to the pregnancy test behind them, and grabbed her hand between them. “I just want to be part of it.”

“I know, honey. And I love you very much, but I draw the line at letting you watch me pee.” She wrapped her spare hand around his tricep, pulling him closer into her and she rested her head on his shoulder. 

He turned his head slightly so he could rest his cheek on the top of her head. “How are you feeling?” 

“Nervous. And exhausted. I barely slept last night, it was probably stupid leaving it until the morning.” 

“You’re never stupid, Emily.” 

She gave his arm a squeeze for that comment. “You’re sweet.”

“Never let anyone at the BAU know, I’ve got a reputation as a grumpy bastard to uphold.” 

She laughed at that, “God forbid our friends know you’re a big softie at heart.” She was fairly sure they already knew, and had at least had more of an insight into it since they had got together. 

Any more conversation was cut short by her alarm sounding behind them. She blindly reached round for her phone to grab it and turn the alarm off. She set it back down and squeezed his hand tightly, making no move to turn round to look at the test.

“Em?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just preparing myself.” 

He didn’t say anything else, just stood there holding her hand until she was ready. It took another minute or so, and a few deep breaths on her part, but she finally pushed herself away from the counter and turned around, his hand still in hers and now across her body. He stayed where he was as it took her a moment to absorb the results. 

“Oh my God.” Her voice drew his gaze to her, and he saw a mix of shock and delight on her face. “Oh my God.” She repeated, holding up the test closer to her face as if the results would change. She smiled widely at him, turning the test around so he could see the result on the digital screen.

Pregnant. 

“We’re having a baby?” He asked, hearing the awe in his own voice. 

“We’re having a baby.” She launched herself into his arms and he held her just as tightly back. “I love you so much, Aaron.”

“I love you too.”

Their little bubble of happiness was quickly shattered by Jack’s voice calling out in the hallway. “Daddy, I want breakfast.” 

They both laughed at the boy’s instant tone, like it had been years since he was last fed. They pulled away from their embrace and they both had unshed tears in their eyes. He leant forward and kissed her hard, trying to convey everything he felt for her in that moment. She responded in kind, her fingers grasping his hair.

“Daddy!” 

Emily laughed against his lips and pulled away, briefly touching his forehead with hers. “You go feed your son, I’ll be out in a minute”

“You sure?”

“Yes! Go.” 

“Do you want anything in particular for breakfast? I’ll make you anything you want.” 

She smiled coyly at that. “Anything huh? I think I’m going to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing.”

_________________________

At first it felt like a cruel twist of fate that she would realise she was losing her baby mere steps away from where she had confirmation of its existence. Weeks later she’d be grateful she had been at home when it happened, and not at the BAU or in some hotel in a strange city.

“Aaron” She shook his shoulder, trying to wake up him out of his deep sleep. “Aaron, I need you to wake up.” 

He blearily opened his eyes and looked up at her, becoming alert as soon as he saw the panic in her eyes. “Emily, what’s wrong sweetheart?”

“Something’s wrong,” She explained, hand pressed to her abdomen tightly as she felt another wave of pain. “It really hurts, it woke me up.” She sniffled, “And I went to the bathroom and I’m bleeding.” She was trying to suppress tears, he could tell by the wobble of her chin and the tightness in her voice. “I think I’m losing the baby, Aaron.”

“Oh sweetheart.” He pulled her close for a second, pressing a kiss to her temple, before pulling away and pressing a hand to each of her cheeks. “We should go to the hospital and get you checked out, ok?” He waited for her to nod in confirmation. “You go get ready to leave and meet me by the door, and I’ll call Jess to come stay with Jack.”

“It’s the middle of the night and-” She started to protest, already worried about Jessica’s reaction to a late night call when they’d assured her a case wouldn’t be happening.

“Emily, she won’t mind.” He said firmly, leaving no room for argument. She nodded slightly, still trying to keep the tears at bay, and grabbed some sweats from the dresser before moving back into the bathroom. He turned the main light on in the bedroom and grabbed his phone off of his nightstand, and he tries to ignore the visible bloodstain on his girlfriends side of the bed as he dials Jessica’s speed dial.

_________________________

Emily was sat on the couch clutching her abdomen when she heard Jessica’s key turn in the lock. Hotch was already at the door and beckoned her in. He had explained on the phone that Emily was pregnant and needed to go to the hospital. Up until that moment he had said it on the phone no one else, not even Jack, had known about the baby. 

“Thank you so much, Jess.” He said softly, hoping not to wake the young boy sleeping down the hall. He walked over to Emily and helped her up, knowing that she had to be in some serious pain to let him. “We should get going, but I’ll let you know how long we’ll be once we have an idea.”

“Of course,” Jessica nodded, concern colouring her features as she took in the look of distress on Emily’s face, taken aback at seeing the woman who was usually so guarded, at least around her, seeming so emotional. She wanted to say something, anything, but words didn’t come to her that would be helpful. “I’ll take him to school in the morning and sort everything, you just focus on you two.” 

“Thanks, Jess.” Hotch replied tightly, acutely aware of Emily leaning on him. He guided her out of the apartment and closed the door behind them. 

_________________________

Hotch had seen a lot of things that were forever burned into his memory, both in his personal and professional life. The look on Emily’s face when the doctor confirmed with an ultrasound, the first one they had for this pregnancy, that there was no heartbeat, would now forever be one of them. The wall she had put up to keep her emotions at bay since she had woken him only 90 minutes ago came crashing down, and she had started crying in earnest. 

He had never seen her like that and for a second he froze, unsure how to react. She made the decision for him, and turned to him pressing her face into his neck awkwardly from where he sat on a chair next to her bed. The doctor gave them a sad smile, and said something about giving them a few minutes of privacy before leaving the room they were in. 

Hotch stood, not breaking the hold he had on her, and gently moved her so he could sit on the bed next to her. As he sat down she curled herself into his lap, still sobbing, and clutching on to him like her life depended on it. All he could do was run his hands up and down her back and press kisses into her hair as she cried, mumbling reassuring nonsense into the top of her head. 

It was only when she pulled away slightly and looked at him, running her finger under his eye, that he realised he was crying too. 

_________________________

Emily walked into their bedroom feeling like it had been a lifetime since she was last there, when it had only been less than 12 hours. The doctor had kept her in for a few hours, whilst they determined whether she would need a surgical procedure, but mercifully they agreed that her body was doing what it needed to naturally so she could go home. She was grateful for that, knowing that she didn’t want to ever associate anything from this time to all those years ago in a cold, clinical room in Rome. Emily looked curiously at the bed and realised the bedding had been changed.

“I stripped the bed for you.” Jessica said from behind her, her voice soft so not to startle her. “I also did some stain removal on the mattress.”

Emily turned and looked at her, unaware that the other woman was still in the apartment. “Thank you, Jess. You didn’t have to do that.” She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, trying to keep her emotions in check. 

“I didn’t want you to have to come home to that, it would have been the last thing you needed.” She looked as if she wanted to reach out for Emily, but stopped herself before she would. “I’m so sorry, Emily.” 

“Yeah, me too.” She replied, knowing there was no hiding what had happened from the woman in front of her despite neither of them saying the words out loud. 

“I know we aren’t exactly close, but if you ever want to talk about it, to someone who understands, you can talk to me.” Jessica offered, a sincerity in her eyes Emily found comforting. 

Emily frowned, “You mean..” Her voice trailing off, not sure she could say anything else without crying again.

“Yeah, a long time ago now.” Jessica looked wistful for a moment, but not sad, “I’ve never told anyone. Not even Haley knew.” 

“I’m sorry.” Emily offered, taking a step closer to the woman opposite her, not sure if she should hug her or not. “And thank you.” 

Jessica made the decision for her and pulled Emily into a hug. 

_________________________

“Do you need any painkillers?” He asked as he watched her grimace, pulling the heating pad he had warmed up for her closer to her stomach. 

She shook her head, “I only took some about an hour ago.” The admission that she had taken any painkillers at all told him how much she must be hurting. “I’m sorry, Aaron.”

They were lying in bed, Hotch having called in sick for both of them saying they had flu like symptoms and were staying home. Jessica had offered to take Jack back to hers once he was done with school. Hotch was grateful, wanting to be able to put all of his focus on his devastated girlfriend. 

“Em, why are you apologising?”

“This is my fault. Maybe it was the abortion, or Doyle or just the universe deciding I needed a health dose of karma for finally being happy.”

“Emily, I am going to say this as many times as you need to hear it.” He held her face in his hands, his thumbs tracing her cheek bones. “This was not your fault. It’s awful, and it’s sad - but this is not on you. Like the doctor said sometimes these things just happen,” at that tears started to fall down her face again, but she nodded at him, “and there is nothing that can be done. I am so sorry you’re going through this, sweetheart.” 

She leant forward, pressing her face into his neck, and hugged him. He held her tightly, rocking them slightly trying to bring her some semblance of comfort.

“I really wanted the baby.” 

He held her tighter to him, “I know, sweetheart. I did too.” 

_________________________

The next time she takes a pregnancy test is almost 7 months later. The hovering boyfriend is now her hovering husband, but she is grateful he doesn’t seem to be stood directly outside of the bathroom door this time. 

Once she does the test she walks back into the bedroom, test clutched in her hand, and she spots her husband sat in the lounge chair they have facing the bay window of their bedroom. It looks out over their garden, where she hopes their children will one day play together. It was a big draw when they bought this place 5 months prior. They had their wedding reception in that garden, and she loved that she could sit there and look at the place where they officially started their lives together. Emily walked over to him and sat in his lap, grateful for the way his arms automatically tightened around her. 

She spotted his phone on the arm of the chair counting down the seconds until they’d know if she was pregnant. It was planned this time, both of them deciding after the miscarriage that they really did want a child together. She had never gone back on her birth control. 

“Aaron.” She raised her head from his shoulder and looked at him, the gentle concern for her in his eyes made her heart hurt. “What if it happens again?”

It wasn’t the first time she had raised this concern since they had actively started trying to have a baby, and he knew if she was pregnant it wouldn’t be the last time she would worry about it over the coming months. “If it happens again we’ll get through it, like we did last time. Together.” 

She smiled sadly at his words. “I don’t know if I could do it again.” 

He leant down and pressed a kiss into the juncture between her neck and shoulder. “Emily, you’re the bravest person I know, you can do anything.” He pulled back and looked in her eyes again, “Besides, I have hope that things will work out this time.” 

She hummed her response, breaking her gaze from his to look back out the window. She distracted herself by watching the small birds that lived in the tree outside hopping around on the branches. The sound of Hotch’s alarm jarred her out of her revere, and he quickly turned it off. 

The test was still clutched tightly in her hand, and she looked back at him. “Ready?” She asked, and he nodded his response. She unclasped her hand from around the test, and despite the fears they both had neither of them could stop the smiles that burst to their faces when they saw the positive result.

They exchanged kisses and ‘I love yous’ just like they had last time, and settled in to a silent embrace in the chair they were sat in, watching the birds fly around in the morning summer sun. 

Emily felt something rise in her chest that, if she wasn’t mistaken, was hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I was able to do that justice given how sensitive the subject is.
> 
> Wren, the name of the baby that Emily is pregnant with at the end there from the main story in this universe "We've Come so Far My Dear, Look How We Have Grown," means 'small bird,' hence why I added that bit at the end. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter.
> 
> Until next time,
> 
> SequinSmile x


	6. Tequila Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Just a quick little fun and silly excerpt from this universe since the last chapter was quite heavy emtionally. 
> 
> This is set August 2012

Not long after Emily inadvertently reveals their relationship to the team Garcia and JJ wrangle her into a girls night. She feels bad about it, because the only time the other two women can do at the same time is a Friday night that just so happens to be the same weekend Jack is away at Haley’s parents.

Emily loved Jack, and she enjoyed the time she spent with both of the Hotchners. The relatively short time it had been since she had been brought into the fold of their small family had done wonders for her. That being said, she had really been looking forward to some one on one time with her boyfriend. 

They were off rotation for the weekend, unless a really bad case popped up that other teams weren’t deemed qualified to handle, and she just wanted to close his apartment door on the world for a couple days and exist just with him. Aaron had encouraged her to go out with her friends, saying it was only one night and he knew she missed them and how things used to be before Doyle.

It had only been ten weeks since they had started their relationship, and she already knew she loved him. She had known that since the moment he had convinced her to stay. Nothing short of love would have kept her in DC. Sometimes the love would swell in her chest in a way she had never experienced before and it made her heart stutter. He was such a good man, and he seemed to find joy in doing the simplest of things for her. 

Emily, Garcia and JJ had been out for a few hours when the evening began to wind down. Emily was tired and, quite frankly, pleasantly buzzed and edging into drunk to the point where she just wanted to make out with her boyfriend. She sent Aaron a text saying she would be on the way soon as Garcia came back with another drink for them and JJ returned from the bathroom. Her phone buzzed on the table.

_Need a lift?_

She smiles as those feelings of love rise in her chest again. If only people knew how sweet Aaron Hotchner actually was under the tough Hotch exterior. 

_I’ll get a cab_

_No, I’ll come get you._

She can imagine the concerned frown on his face as he texts her and it makes her smile. 

“Are you sexting the boss right now, Em?” Garcia’s teasing voice breaks her out of her concentration of her phone. 

_You don’t have to_

“No that’s not really his thing.” She replies without thinking, the cocktails Garcia has been plying her with all night loosening her tongue. Her phone chimes again, twice in a rapid pattern, and she looks down 

_I want to._

_You guys in the normal place?_

She sends back confirmation before putting her phone back down, not wanting to ignore her friends. 

“Come on, Em. You’ve got to give us something.” Garcia pleads, and whilst JJ isn’t joining in she certainly isn’t stoping their eccentric friend. 

Emily smiles at them and takes a sip of her drink before replying. “I’ve already told you everything.”

“Yeah, but not the spicy stuff.” 

“I said it was great, mind-blowing sex” She exclaims, seemingly unaware that she had inadvertently added ‘mind-blowing’ this time around. “Pen, he would hate it if I told you anymore than that.” 

“Just one thing. Like where is the craziest place you guys have had sex. We’ll never tell him, right JJ?” Garcia turns to JJ for confirmation.

“Never.” JJ confirms, the smirk on her face letting Emily know she knows exactly how uncomfortable this conversation is making her. 

She stares at them for a long time, and they stare back. She finally rolls her eyes, and downs the tequila shot Garcia had put on the table in front of her. “Fine. In the back of his SUV.” She looks at the table between them, avoiding their gaze, but when they say nothing she looks back up to expectant faces and sighs. “Whilst it was in the Quantico parking garage.” 

That gets the reaction she was expecting. After she’s calmed down Garcia, mercifully, changes the subject to her own escapades. They manage to get another round of drinks in, and Emily knows her pleasantly buzzed status has flipped into completely hammered. 

She could still go for making out with her boyfriend though.  
Eventually it is JJ who spots Aaron entering the bar. “Hotch, over here!” He sees them and walks over. Emily turns and smiles at him as she seems him approaching the table they were sat around. The bar stool she is sat on puts her at the perfect height to throw her arms around him as he appears next to her. She pulls him into her, and he has to steady himself slightly. 

“You made good time.” She says as she presses a slightly uncoordinated kiss to his lips. He looks to Garcia and JJ who both raise their mostly empty glasses at him as a greeting, the pair of them clearly delighting in seeing this more casual side of the couple. 

“The roads are pretty quiet tonight.” 

Aaron knows that Emily is a very tactile person, she always has been, and one thing he has learnt in the short period of time they have been in a relationship is she can be very handsy once she had some alcohol in her system, and this is the most she has drunk in one sitting since they started dating. That knowledge, combined with the fact the alcohol has clearly loosened her usual reluctance to indulge in any PDA in front of their friends, means that he is only slightly taken aback when he feels her hand drift down to his jeans so she can slide her hand into his back pocket, grabbing a handful of his ass as she does so. 

He looks up to Garcia and JJ and they also seem to be a bit worse for wear and, mercifully, seem to have missed Emily groping him. He discreetly puts his hand behind him and grabs her hand out of his pocket, keeping it in his to prevent it from wondering further.

“I’m going to take Emily home,” He says to the other women, still adjusting to calling his girlfriend by her given name in front of their colleagues. 

Garcia and JJ accept his offer of a lift, and he stands there, with Emily still pressed very close to him, as the three women finish their drinks. Emily lets him help her off the bar stool and they walk out the bar hand in hand, Aaron doesn’t miss the jealous looks thrown his way by some of the other men in the bar as they do so, and their friends follow closely behind. 

It’s only when Garcia and JJ climb into the back of his SUV and click their seatbelts into place that they remember their earlier conversation. Emily seems to remember in the same moment and catches JJ’s eye in the rear view mirror. 

Aaron is extremely confused when the women in his backseat burst into laughter, and his girlfriend next to him is blushing more than he thought was possible for her. It’s only when he hears Garcia mutter something about a parking garage under her breath that it clicks for him. Emily at least has the decency to shoot him an apologetic look before turning and glaring at their friends. 

__________________________________

“They tricked me.”

“They tricked you, Emily Prentiss, former spy, into giving them details about our sex life?”

“There may have also been tequila involved.”

That, Aaron thought, was an understatement. He’d been able to smell it on her the moment she had thrown her arms around him in the bar when he arrived to pick her up. He isn’t mad, not really, but he knows he will feel uncomfortable come Monday, or earlier if they get a case, when he sees the other women in the office. If Aaron is honest he is glad she had fun with her friends. It wasn’t that long ago that she still felt like she was trying to fit herself back into her old life. Him feeling uncomfortable at the thought of them knowing some stuff about his sex life is a small price to pay for that. 

He parks up outside his apartment building and gets out the car to make it to the passenger door before she even undoes her seatbelt. She’s not so drunk she can’t walk, but he puts his arm around her shoulders anyway and smiles when she slips an arm around his waist. 

“I really am sorry, Aaron.” 

“I know, sweetheart. But maybe next time don’t tell them we had sex in the back of my car just before they get in it.” 

“In my defence, when I told them I didn’t know you’d be taking them both home.” She leans into his side as he digs out the keys for his apartment from his pocket and starts pressing kisses into his neck. “I could make it up to you though.”

As much as he is not one to turn down sex with his incredibly beautiful girlfriend, who he already knows he is in love with, he knows their very different levels of sobriety in this moment mean it would not be a good decision to give into her right now. 

Aaron Hotchner felt like he deserved a medal for what he said next as he lets them into the apartment. “Maybe tomorrow night.”  
__________________________________

Emily groans to herself as she wakes up, immediately aware of her pounding head and dry mouth. She blearily opens her eyes and realises she is in Aaron’s bedroom alone. She smiles slightly to herself as she remembers him picking her up the night before, before quickly groaning again as she sat up and the pounding in her head got worse. 

She turns her head to the bedside table that had quickly been established as hers, and sees a glass of water and two aspirin sat there next to the book she was currently reading. Emily quickly takes the pills and settles back into the pillows with her arm thrown over her eyes, trying to block out the light. 

“You’re awake.” His voice sounds loud, and her response is a groan. She hears him laugh at her and then the bed dips. Emily moves her arm so she can see him through one eye. He’s sat next to her in a t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts and looks far too awake for her liking. 

“Barely.” She finally speaks, moving so she has her head in his lap before settling down again. “Remind me to stop taking Garcia up on girls nights. I feel horrendous.” 

Aaron suppresses a laugh, knowing that there is only so much he will get away with making fun of her even in her delicate state. “You seemed like you had fun though.” He runs his hand through her hair and she moans in response, enjoying the sensation. 

“It was fun, it felt like old times.” 

They sat like that for a few minutes, her curled into his lap and him running his hands through her hair, and he thought she had fallen asleep again before she spoke. “What do you want to do today?” 

“Whatever you feel like doing.” Honestly he half expected her hangover to keep her in bed for the morning at least, but he knew that their time alone was as precious to her as it was to him, so he wasn’t overly surprised that she asked. “How about we start with breakfast?”

Emily suddenly seemed to register that she could smell something delicious coming from the main living area of the apartment and she sat up. “You, Aaron Hotchner, are an angel. I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” She kissed him before getting out of bed and grabbing her phone before heading into the bathroom quickly. 

Aaron walked back out of the bedroom and busied himself plating up the bacon and pancakes for the two of them. 

“Aaron?” Her voice called from behind him as she walked towards the kitchen.

He turned his head over his shoulder and looked at her, slightly amused by the confused look on her face. “Yes, sweetheart?”

“Do you have any idea why on earth Garcia has text me a photo of works parking garage ?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Until next time,
> 
> Sequin Smile x


	7. The Trouble with Sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Just a short little chapter this time.
> 
> Set early June 2012.

They still hadn’t slept together. They’d had sex plenty of times, mind blowing, incredible sex that he genuinely wondered how he had lived without for so many years, but Emily would always find an excuse to leave afterwards. Whether it was claiming she didn’t want to confuse Jack, or that she had to go back to her place so they wouldn’t make anyone at work suspicious if they arrived at too similar a time. 

He just really wanted to hold his girlfriend as he slept, and for some reason she seemed to be putting it off. He didn’t have any concerns that she wasn’t in their relationship as much as he was. He could see it in the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn’t looking whilst they were just in each others company, and in the way she interacted with his son. She was hiding something from him, and he couldn’t figure out what it was. 

They were away on a case, which meant that they had very limited time personal time together. The team still didn’t know about them, their relationship still shiny and new, and since this was the first case they were away on since they got together they were both determined to prove they were able to handle keeping a professional distance. 

Aaron just wished it wasn’t a stabbing case. A really violent, bloody one at that. It brought up so much for both of them, and he saw her pressing her hand absentmindedly into her blouse over where he knew her scar laid underneath as she looked at the crime scene photos. 

Which is why when everyone had retired to their hotel rooms for the evening he had text her asking if she wanted to come to his room for a drink. He wondered if she’d turn him down, citing their very carefully laid out ground rules they had discussed only 48 hours earlier, but he heard a quiet knock on his door before long. He opens the door to find her smiling at him, but notes it doesn’t quite meet her eyes.

“So, that lasted all of two days then.” She quips as she moves past him into the room. She’s wearing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that was once his. She stops a few paces past him and waits for him to lock the door behind her. As soon as he has she hugs him, which he gratefully returns. “I could go for that drink.” 

He smiles into the top of her head before pressing a kiss there, and removing himself from her grasp and walking over to the mini bar. “Remind me to settle the bill when we leave so this doesn’t get charged back to the bureau.” He grabs two mini bottles of scotch before moving to pour them into a glass each and passing her one. He settles onto the bed with his back up against the headboard, gesturing for her to join him.

She joins him on the bed, settling into his side as he wraps his arm around her. “Of course. Although, I’d love to see you try and explain it to Strauss.” 

They sit and talk for a while about anything other than the case that he knows has brought things to the surface for her as much as it has for him, and once they have finished their drinks she makes a move away from him but he tightens his grip slightly, fingers lightly tracing up and down her arm.   
“Aaron, I should go back to my room.” 

“In a bit.” He replies, and she must hear the slightly desperate tone in his voice because she sighs and settles against him again.

“Ok, in a bit. But I mean it I should go back there to sleep.” 

He hums his agreement, and he does mean it. Despite how much he wants to sleep next to her he doesn’t want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. It takes him about 10 minutes to realise she had fallen asleep, lulled to sleep by the motion of his fingers on her arm. Aaron tries to wake her, but she grumbles in her sleep and settles further into him. He smiles as he shifts them so they are laying in the bed and he sets his alarm early so he can wake her up so she can go back to her room in plenty of time to get ready and not make anyone else in the team suspicious. 

Her scream wakes him up only one hour later.

__________________________

She tries to steady herself but fails, taking in another stuttering breath that feels like it almost cracks her ribs open. She never wanted him to see her like this, and for one really painful moment she regrets not going to London, wishing she had put as much distance between her and her old life as possible. Then he says her name so tenderly, and she looks at him and sees the affection and concern in his eyes and she knows no matter what this is where she needs to be. With him, starting something they should have had the chance to start so many years ago. 

The nightmares would have likely followed her to London anyway. 

He’s sat close to her, but isn’t touching her. Which she’s grateful for. She can still smell Doyle’s cologne and sweat, and can feel his hands on her. When her eyes are closed she can still see him in front of her, torturing her and she can feel the blinding pain in her abdomen. 

She doesn’t ever want to associate anything from Aaron with her nightmares. 

“Emily,” He says her name again, meeting her frantic gaze. “You’re ok. You’re with me. We’re in my hotel room in Spokane.” He pauses for a moment, noticing her panic isn’t dwindling. “Doyle?” His tone is gentle, and she nods in response. 

She is still struggling to breathe and she just wishes she had gone back to her own room when she’d tried. She can feel the never ending stream of tears down her face and she wants nothing more than to run away but she can’t move, her body not cooperating. 

“Ok, sweetheart,” It’s the first time he’s ever used a pet name on her and it catches her attention. “You need to calm down ok, or you’re going to pass out.” He still doesn’t touch her, but he is sat opposite her, his eye contact unwavering. “Can you tell me three things you can see?” 

She furrows her brow at him, but he continues to look at her expectantly. “You.” Her voice croaks out between the breaths she is now dragging into her lungs.

He smiles, “Good. What else?” 

Her eyes move from his around the room a little, landing on the bedside table, “The scotch bottles.” Her gaze goes past the table. “Those ugly curtains.” Her breathing is still incredibly far from normal, but he’s no longer concerned she might faint.

“You’re doing great.” He encourages, pleased to see her eyes narrow at him slightly as if she considers his words to be patronising. “Tell me two things you can hear.” 

“The air conditioning. And you.” 

“Usually I wouldn’t accept the same answer twice, but I’ll break the rules for you.” 

She lets out a strangled laugh, and he knows she through the worst of it when she jokes. “You break a lot of rules for me.” 

“Well you’re worth it. How about something you can feel?” 

“The lumpy hotel mattress.” Her voice is more even now, the panic fading but not gone, and he knows he’s been successful in distracting her. 

He stays sat opposite her, watching as she presses her hand into her abdomen just like she had at the police station that afternoon. He wants to ask her so many questions, wants to make sure he’s ok, but he knows her well enough to know she will want to go at her own pace with this. 

“I hoped that it wouldn’t happen when I was with you,” she can hear the waver in her own voice when she finally talks almost ten minutes later. She clears her throat and when she speaks next its more even. The emotions from her nightmare and panic attack finally dialling down completely. “I had some girlish fantasy that if I was sleeping next to you they would go away.” She wipes the final tear on her cheek away before wrapping her arms around her own knees, pulling them into her chest. She laughs critically at herself before continuing. “It’s why I kept putting off spending the night. I didn’t want to face the truth.”

He inches closer to her, still keeping his distance not wanting to spook her. “Sweetheart,” she looks at him again, the pet name tumbling out from him again in a way she likes more than she thought she would. “Does this happen every night?” 

“Not every night, but often enough. Usually when I sleep somewhere new. Or if a case triggers something.” 

His fingers twitch as he reaches for her, but he can see that despite the fact her breathing has calmed she is still tense. Panic still lingering below the surface. “Emily, is it ok if I touch you?” 

Her nod is immediate, her trust in him unwavering and now her senses have been cleared of the ghost of Ian Doyle all she wants is Aaron Hotchner to fill them. He edges closer to her again so he is now sat right next to her, close enough that he can smell the last remnants of her perfume from the day before, but not pressed up against her. The small space between them giving her the choice on how to proceed. He starts by placing his hand on one of her knees, and smiles slightly when she doesn’t flinch. He squeezes the joint, and is only slightly surprised when she leans into him. 

She’s still folded in on herself, arms wrapped around her knees, but she presses her forehead into the juncture between his neck and his shoulder and lets out a small sigh when he wraps his arms tightly around her. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes before he speaks again. “You should have told me.” 

“I didn’t know how. This thing between us is still so new, and it already means so much.” She’s admitting more than she usually would, letting a little bit more of her guard down to this man who just a couple weeks ago was still just her friend and boss, but she’s tired and she just wants to sleep next to him without the fear it might just be the thing to tear them apart. “I didn’t want you to think that I was too much to let into your life. Or your son’s. Sometimes I wake up screaming.” 

He doesn’t mention that this was one of those times, although he is glad she doesn’t seem to recall it. Instead he settles on saying something else entirely. “You’re not the only one who gets nightmares, Emily.” She moves her head back slightly to look at him, a frown on her face that makes him elaborate further. “Foyet.” 

“Oh Aaron.” She removes her arms from around herself and wraps them around him, pulling herself into him impossibly closer. “That’s how you knew what to do.”

He hums in agreement before speaking. “Jack gets them too.”

That almost breaks her again, almost brings down the defences she’s carefully spent the last several minutes building back up. The thought of that sweet little boy waking up in fear shattering her fragile heart. 

“He doesn’t remember much about what happened, and I obviously never gave him the full details, but his brain fills in a lot. He used to scream and I had to talk him down. Now he wakes up and crawls into my bed. For a long time he asked for Haley but eventually that stopped.” Apparently she’s not the only one revealing more this evening than they usually would. “I thought I’d be relieved when it did but it just hurt even more.” 

She doesn’t know what to say to that, knows there is nothing she can say, so she presses a kiss his neck where her head is pressed. 

“What I’m saying, Em is that this doesn’t make you weak. Or whatever you have managed to convince yourself it makes you. I want to be there for you. Even if sleeping next to me doesn’t stop them I want to be there for you afterwards.” 

She thinks about arguing with him, about pointing out all the reasons he should run for the hills, but she pulls back from his embrace slightly to look at him. She sees the same demons in his eyes she knows she has in hers, and she knows that they understand each other in a way that no one else could. 

Emily knows that only a couple weeks in she is barrelling towards being in love with the man she is being held by, probably has loved him for a while, and for once she wants to let herself be happy - no matter how much she thinks she might not deserve it. 

“I’d like that too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Until next time,
> 
> SequinSmile x


End file.
